Re-inventing the Norm

After my last post you may have realized that I have tragically entered no-man's land again this time by a bank that has been Obama-sized. In case you have not paid attention to the world in the recent past or have been rudely awakened from a Coma; what you have missed out on dear readers is the Obama-sization (Please check on Google for current president of America and you will understand).

What has currently happened is that there is an African-American president who has put some of the largest banks of the country on Welfare. There was a time when I worked in Equity Research and felt like I was working in the Rock-Star of Finance related areas. Equity Research was cool, happening, it had all the excitement of a first date and guarantee of landing on second base.

Today we wake up to a different kind of Equity Research, every date is a prolonged courtship period, a lot of understanding, with your clients asking you questions.... Is this going anywhere? Will you marry me? Do you picture me with kids? They don't seem interested in our fables, our fantasies, and our story telling, or our stature. They want commitment, understanding, love and facts.

The playing field has evolved, not a lot has changed since they still lead our lives; its just some commitment issues that they are more concerned about. I have always been a fair believer that change is good, its important for the Darwinian Evolution.

This change; however, puts brings down the rock-star to mere mortal status. It's like Superman with his glasses on, it's clumsy, unfortunate, boring, and a lot of hard work to get the love from Lois Lane. It's like bringing down the Rock-star to Porn Star status... initially our name was enough to sell, now its our talents.

It's a lot of work to get back to the grind, when you've been alien to it for such a long time..... If anyone else has felt this is actually happening shoot back in the comments :)

Back to Basics!!!

Today I write a post to welcome myself back to the world of Blogging!! Boy it's been a long time. So lets see whats happened in the past 2 years..... hmm not a lot. The world's become a funner place I can definately vouch for that. :)

So today we shall talk about the Recession and the many weird things that are associated with it. Prior to this recessionary period you may all recall I worked at a Bank in the Equity Research Department. It became very obvious that this recession wasn't my fault as I believe someone would be completely out of their minds if they ever believed in me or my research.

But then again I am a charming motha-fucka!!! I don't blame them for believing in me; even though they ought to know better. There are days I feel I can sell shit wrapped in tin foil to the Queen; now you have to be really good to do that. I know, I know you are all probably thinking how can you sell shit to the Queen... doesn't she have Bodyguards and loads of freebies. That my friends is a figure of speech and was said by a very wise man once. Okay, okay the Wise n' Modest Man in this case is your's truly, ME. Hahahahh (Evil Laugh for Effect).

Somewhere over the course of these two years I lost this so-called "Charm" of mine. I just don't know where it went... I lost two jobs in some of the most wonderfully recessionary years of my generation. That taught me the difference between a "Recession" and a "Depression." A "Recession" is when your neighbor loses their job, When you lose your job its called "Depression."

Therefore I was going through something called a "Depression," it was magical. After all those years of hard-work the big man up there decided I should take a break. Bah, break-shmake, I didn't want any break. I wanted a job that paid MOOLAH and sit with other Anals (Anals is the Cutesy term we use in the I-Banking world for Analysts). I like Analysts, they feel that there is no other viewpoint in the world but theirs... and they can be completely wrong on their views. Imagine meeting a person who disagrees with everything you have to say and then wants you to agree with everything they think. The nerve of these people.

Can you all imagine the Egos of these Analysts? The Anal Ego is big, uncaring and selfish. What we want is the ability to pass on subliminal messages or be able to hypnotize you to buy the shit we tell you to. We are like Chris Angel (not so magical and mysterious though) who wants you all to dance at our every tune. We say bend over; You ask How Much? That is the Anal World.

For Obvious reasons most Anals are not loved very much by other departments in a Bank. Therefore, for the sanity of those around us Banks have come up with the Chinese Wall. The Chinese Wall basically states that no two departments who might be attracted to each other should sit together. It's kinda like not flirting with the hot girl you are attracted to because the mystique would be lost (Your's not her's cause she will still be hot and you will always be intrigued by her) . Therefore Sales (People who sell Anal Shit) do not sit with Anals; I guess they want our jobs to seem more complicated than it really is.

So it seems my side of the Chinese Wall was crumbling. Trust me it's nothing like the Berlin Wall coming down... no tears of joy and victory to Capitalism. This was more like 2012... the shit had hit the ceiling and you were just worried about if you were next to be hit.

So the 9 months of my Depressionary environment have been very interesting. I've done a lot of reading and I had something like the Midas touch, and everything I touched turned to dust. I wanted to do a course build back some knowledge... course cancelled; applied for jobs..... positions closed due to uncertain economic environment. For some reason my Anal instincts took a hit, I don't think I can sell shit wrapped in tin foil to the Queen anymore.... Weed to Bush Jr. should be easier.

So right when my esteem was at its lowest I get a call from another Bank who feels I am the perfect man for the job.... do you know how that feels. It feels like I just got told that the only way Gisele Bundchen is going to climax is if I am there to please her. The next question was would you be interested... Now who in their right minds would say no to Gisele. So of course I say "Yeah Baby...Shall we Shag Now or Shag Later." (Austin Powers style). They are totally impressed by my Austin Powers imitation and call me in.

Upon testing my Shagadellic skills they inform me that they would be pleased if I could join them. I said Yes, like a girl would say "Yes" on seeing a 10 carat Diamond ring. I hope I didn't sound too deseperate...

The Bachchan franchise

Background Story...
Long long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away India witnessed an actor Amitabh Bachchan who then became "The Angry Young Man," and is now called "The Big B." I must confess as a child I was a big fan of the B, watched Do aur do paanch to my hearts content.

Big B married that Jaya woman made two babies one of which we have grown to know as Little B aka Abhishek. Little B marries this chick with the plastic face aka Aishwariya also a former Miss World winner.

Chick with the plastic face no emotions has got this thing happening for her she was dating this guy Nature Boy aka Salman, who goes through a string of flops in Bollywood while with her, plastic babe moves on to Vivek Oberoi on whom she has the same effect.

First Family Gathering
Little B stars in a movie called Bunty aur Babli.... more like Bunty aur BubbleGum if you ask me, a very cutesy movie with some cheesy dialogues starring Papa B as a cop chasing Little B and BubbleGum.

Now there is a scene in this movie where Plastic Babe gets the hots for Big B and dances to this song Kajra Re. I guess that’s where Little B becomes a man and becomes Junior B since he's attracted to Plastic Babe. So in effect Love at first fatherly seduction song scene.

First Date
After the whole lovey dovey dance routine in Bunty and BubbleGum Junior B as we now know him follows Plastic Babe to a movie set called Dhoom 2. An action flick where Plastic Babe falls in love with another man and gives mouth to mouth to.

I think this is where Junior B decides that she's an easy chick and best is to get her while she’s stupid and marries her.

The Bachchan Franchise
Post marriage we are looking at this massive Bhagban type family with Big B and JB (Jaya Bachchan actual wife of Big B), heads of the family, Junior B and Plastic Babe. I guess this is where Big B goes for world domination and thinks he controls the Indian film industry.

I am not interested in what happens in the Bachchan family, but I do have a certain script in mind a pot purri of Cheeni Kum and some psycho film. A Note to all reading any further please watch this horrid film called Cheeni Kum. Ok fine if you haven't watched the movie uhmmmmm imagine Lolita but with an Older Woman and a REALLY REALLY OLD MAN. So here's the scene Big B falls in love with Plastic Babe because of his unhappy marriage with JB, but Junior B secretly admires Plastic Babe from a distance.. cause according to Indian film myths we have shy hero's who have this thing against approaching women and the Older Men are so called Tharki's aka nymphomaniacs.

Anywho's along with my story now, Big B madly in love with Plastic Babe and first to find out is JB and judging by how bored she looked in any of her previous films she kills herself in Junior B's house so that the love of her life Big B is not blamed for this vengeful incident, and Big B not being interested in her is not bothered about her absence from the first 10 minutes of the movie on.

Junior B on the other hand is a pervert going through excessive masturbation cycles in bed watching PB being the babe she is and her flirting efforts with the Big B. He decides to kill Big B.

Add a couple of song and dance routines a small police case and The grand finale..... Junior B kills Big B for revenge while the police discover JB's body at Junior B's home so with Big B and JB out of the picture and Junior B going in for life imprisonment Plastic Babe is free to roam the world and spoil someone else's life.

I always knew there was a reason why she married a tree :). Please note: - this is an idea for a script and can only star the actors named above that’s when the irony of it all makes sense.

Grandfathers...

Whenever the summer's approach I am reminded of my summer vacations, where we would come to India. I was never excited about coming to India, in particular Bombay, its just another place, nothing really exciting. However, somehow summer vacations in India had their own charm. We met family, I love family, its just nice to be with people you can call your own, complain about, hate in some way, but somehow in the back of your mind you know that this person is there for you on D-day.

As a kid excitement in India came whenever we visited our grand parents. It's just the word on it's own that makes it work, GRAND, as in the best. I like grand parents for some weird reason, talking to them makes you realize there was a generation before yours, a land before time so to speak.

Talking to my grandmother's make me feel i'm too old, and I should get married and have a baby factory, cause in their time, they did that before they reached my age. So in a way I guess, I wouldn't be considered cool if I did live in that generation. But, meeting grandmother's is interesting, my maternal granny is a chilled out woman, who lives her life in the most relaxing manner. Though she may not have much, but watching her makes me feel that she would have definitely been very comfortable if she were queen. On the other hand, my paternal granny, she's quite a gung-ho character always in a rush, multi-tasking, aggressive, with some drive or adrenaline rush. I can completely see her overthrowing Hitler and running countries, but alas, she's just never had the chance.

My grandfather's; men amongst men, interesting characters with depth. What's interesting is both my grandfather's share the same name, smoke cigarette's and are very calm by nature. My maternal grand-dad, he was a character that i'm sure everyone enjoyed to be around, he was a tall lanky person and hearing him would make one burst into splits; a great sense of humour. He called me "Sherni ka bachcha," as in Simba or a lioness's cub, made me feel brave and strong when he did.

My paternal grand-dad, he would take me out for a walk, cause granny complained so much about him smoking he needed his time alone with me, so that of course he could smoke, relax and be himself. Funny though, he was so different at home and away from granny, two completely different people. At home he was quiet, outside he was like one of those 60's stars, who'd smoke his cigarette, pose and talk. Tell stories, introduce to his friends, who'd wait for him to come, have drinks etc.

Unfortunately, I never really knew them that well, but I do know and remember the times we'd go to the movies because I loved television, my first love, and we watched television up close and personal when we went to the movies. I'd sit there with my grand-dad with my mouth open amazed by the fact televisions had gotten so big and either grand-father telling me to keep my mouth shut its not polite.

Even today, I love sitting and watching a movie, even when alone I remember those movies we went to. They will always be the best movie buddies i've ever had. Grandfather's are amazing, they love watching you happy, they love spoiling you. I never understood how and why they smiled when they were with me, but today, I am just happy when I see them smile; I love the fact that we accept each other so gracefully, completely understanding each other and our private space.


Today, I have just a paternal grandfather, who can't speak due to a stroke and suffers from Alzeimers. He still smiles when he see's me, I guess he remembers our times together, and now it's my turn to make sure I spoil him. I take my grand dad smokes, light him a cigarette, watch my grandma complain, and I smile, watching him smile.

BollyWood remakes - blah

Firstly, I would like to apologize to all those people who may not be from the Indian Subcontinent and regular readers of this blog, since this is a topic very much related to the film industry we love to hate most BollyWood.

Very interestingly the Indian film industry has gotten itself into a rut. I say interestingly because I was always amazed by the fact that one story line could be recycled over and over for generations to come until they actually got sick of doing the same story over and over to make the successful similar stories again.

Thereby, the Indian film industry decided to do a remake of Don. Don was a character made famous by the man we all know as "Big B." The original was a very well made movie perhaps a copy of some American movie I've never seen, but nicely done with memorable music and gorgeous women. But, someone decided to re-do this movie, and decided to do it differently, made another man we call "SRK" or Shah Rukh Khan do this movie. Well directed, modern looking, and post-Neo Don was definitely cool-looking, gritty and slightly annoying. I can't imagine SRK being named Don, I can accept him as a Raj or a Rahul, since I strongly believe in type-casted Indian actors. In the end, the movie was alright. (Please bear in mind that my BollyWood reviews are never accurate; movies i call alright, so-so or even utterly despicable have the tendency to become super hits in my country)

Sholay. An Indian cinema classic, a cowboy's and Indian's story (the red-Indian kind), a story that till date surprises me that Salman Khan's daddy actually wrote this. Ram Gopal Verma, a good director in my books is expected to direct this and should be quite interesting to see what his version is to offer us.

My thoughts on remakes

I believe if movies have to be remade, we should exploit the things Bollywood is doing better these days, we make better cheesy movies, we make better soppy movies and we have models and ex-miss India's to act for us.

These are things we should exploit. If I had to make a remake, I'd make a spoof of some horribly serious movie. I wouldn't make a remake of something like Janasheen, which was pretty ludicrously stupid to begin with, I'd make a remake of something serious like Damini, or Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

My Damini remake - My Damini remake would cast a gorgeous woman in the shoes of Meenakshi Sheshadri, like a Bipasha Basu or a Tanushree Dutta; a well built upper body and a leading man like Paresh Rawal, who would be the lawyer. In this movie the story would stay the same, but instead of the 3 hour running length of the original this movie will run for 6 hours. This would mainly be due to the fact we will have gorgeous women wearing today's skimpy clothing and perhaps to add a twist her professional talents include dance bar talent. So therefore the case will be prolonged due to the fact the judge likes seeing this woman in court everyday or in some sick perverted way this 60 year old judge fancies a chance with her, and in the end I would have the judge killed by this woman in court; to end the case and her being sentenced by a gay judge who will run the case with his lover attorney.

My Kuch Kuch Hota Hai remake - I remember watching an interview with Shah Rukh Khan, and he claims before every movie release that this movie is different, like I was watching a fucking Maggie commercial. (Firstly, I believe SRK should be sued for using that line so often from the evil Maggie Ketchup people, or should just hand him a bottle while he does such stupid interviews.) Any typical SRK movie shows him with either two women or another guy and a woman. The story is very simple, everyone loves SRK the guy, the women... everyone!!! But SRK always gets the girl and walks away like a happy man. I believe if this guy really wants to do something different, we will have SRK with two women with both the women showing him affection and eventually the women finding out that they love each other and not the Nepali looking dude and claim their lesbo love for each other. SRK can't handle the fact that this actually happened with him commits suicide and the movie ends with a happy lesbo love song and that my friends in my books will be fucking DIFFERENT!!!

Bollywood and their icky remakes.... BLAH!!!!

And I welcomed 2007 with a BANG!!

Woo hoo!!! welcome to the year 2007. One of the offerings the coming new year has to offer on the blog would be more of my paranoid/abnormal thinking patterns on the plate. This year promises to be exciting.... at least that's what my astrologer told me mum, so well lets see this year's set of astrological promises.

The astrologer's visit is a family event for us which occurs like new year's on the 1st of January, my dad takes the head chair smoking his cigarette throughout the conversation, with me sitting closest to my dad and my mum by my side. The astrologer sits across from my father and this time the man says...

My stars in the right position for a whole bunch of wonderful stuff to happen. Wooo Hooo!!!!

The DUDE, not God but my astrologer, claims that this year I may finally be married away. On hearing something like that from the astrologers mouth I felt my wonderful roadshow may finally come to an end. For the past year and a half my parents have done a roadshow of me, sometimes I felt like that prized pig that was shown off at the state fair. But, I was no prized pig, if I were I would have been crowned and perhaps even married off at this point in time. My parents on hearing the astrologers wonderful words on marriage looked at me and that look said it all, all I saw in my dad's eyes were Get married or Get castrated, the choice is yours; my mum on the other hand had a look filled with gleeful happiness for she was to acquire a slave of family liking. All in all, it felt like this never ending roadshow will thereby continue.

One of the other interesting things the astrologer pointed to was related to something I was interested in. The DUDE said I will make some more needed moolah and in my ever-demanding life more moolah is all the more welcome. At that point of time in the conversation all I could hear was money and more money and with the DUDE claiming I'll be doing wonderful and this and that blah blah. I felt like that little boy at that candy store staring at all that wonderful candy with a drool that would put a rabied dog to shame.

And of course the last stereotypical astrology question deemed on the health factor, and thats where the DUDE says to take care of myself. I got up from the drool infested greenbacks dream and asked "How?" The DUDE, "said you may see problems." No shit! I'll see problems, isn't health an age related issue. I am sure I'll need some Viagra by the time i'm 65 assuming I'm interested in getting some action. But my current problem was explaining to the DUDE what is the problem, so I asked him, "Am I getting hit by a bus?"

And that's when "BANG" happened my mother's reflex action hit my head, which in turn resulted in my head bobbing forward and my dad's cigarette ash flying into my eye and my mother screaming "Don't say that!!!"

That's where my health problem was, "My mouth"... anyways, Happy New Year!!!

The day i got up laughing...

Today was that one day in my life I got up not on the wrong side of the bed, not with a smile on my face like some sexual achievement had been conquered, but, laughing..

It was this laughter that one would picture psycho to laugh as. I laughed, just laughed for a full 15 minutes. Today is your lucky day that I plan on sharing what brought such maddening joy.

It was a dream, I know people like to dream about things that bring them peace and happiness, but mine was better than a Russell Peter's show, better than Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock put together. Ok, maybe it wasn't but it was to me..

In my dream now, once upon a time about 20 minutes ago a very flat-chested girl goes to bed very pissed off with the fact she does not possess the orbs that bring so much attention to womenkind and she prays, hopes, begs and pleads to God that women need to be equal to her and then she goes to bed.

The next morning starts in some other woman's bed... a gifted ex-Pamela Anderson of sorts, and you guessed it she wakes up with her most attention grabbing asset.... LOST.

That's when I got up and laughed and laughed and laughed.... cause the possibilities are endless. Women want equality from men, one day they will wake up to start asking equality from each other and then every woman will come with a standard cup size. That may be the result of some other dream, but this dream meant...

Women are no longer the superior creature, we don't have to stare at you, we don't have to talk to you, we have nothing to imagine, Nothing... you are not important to us anymore. Cause a guy with another guy can be normal, not play goody-two-shoes. We can be ourselves and be accepted in society.... and in the famous words of that Scottish fella in Braveheart ..... FREEDOM.

That's when reality hit the ceiling.... I kinda like the milky orbs... FUCK.... what do I do now. I mean if women aren't important I'll be with some guy feeling him ewwww, feeling for man-boobs so to speak. I am not gay, but this sounded disgusting even for a gay guy.

Ok, there is an alternative to this solution perhaps i still get to sleep with a woman, but what do I do for that extremely tender flesh. Hmmmm, I got an idea, I get a guy with man boobs to lie on the side so I have something to hold onto, but Blah, being the homophobic person I am that's not going to work either.

THE WORLD OF CHAPTI's (chapti - a term used to define very flat-chested, nosed, faced people basically the Chinese... please excuse my racist comment here). What the fuck do I look at now, what the hell do I do...

And that's when I turned on the TV to see Baywatch and see Pamela Anderson, and I said to myself Thank God for plastic surgery, and then visited the temple where I wished that bitches or feminists, who want to take away my personally favorite hobby of birdwatching; DIE, and their wishes never come true.

Made me feel that the laughter I experienced in the morning... was that of Psycho.
Perhaps, I am going mad..